Thursday, April 07, 2011

Maybe I Need to Start Getting High…

Or at the very least get on some good prescription psychiatric/anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs.

Over the past few months I’ve been experiencing chronic dizziness and lightheadedness, along with chills, chest pains, and shakiness. I went to the doctor and he ran a litany of tests on me to see if there was anything physically wrong, but his initial thought was that I’m in the midst of a nervous breakdown; essentially that my body is shutting down from stress. The tests were to make sure that there wasn’t anything physically or chemically wrong with me. It turns out there is and since then I’ve started trying to eat better and exercise (you can see my progress on the weight front here) and he put me on some blood pressure medicine. At first it seemed that the medicine had helped with the lightheadedness and whatnot but since this past weekend those symptoms have returned and with a vengeance. They’ve been so bad that I’ve missed quite a bit of work because of it and while I do dislike my job, I need the money.

Yesterday during one of my spells (for lack of a better term) I noticed that the symptoms started after I was either worrying about something or thinking about some stressful issue in my life. This tends to happen a lot because I totally obsess over things. But as I thought or worried about these things, my symptoms started and got worse as the day progressed (I was a total wreck at work last night and left a couple of hours early). I know what you’re thinking – deal with the problems and the symptoms will go away – because I’ve been thinking that too. In fact when all of this started my dad suggested that I get something for anxiety and I said no that I’d rather deal with my problems than take pills to make them go away. At this point I’m beginning to wonder if he was right. A lot of my problems are things that can’t be easily fixed (being poor, marital issues, hating my job, etc.) and at this point I’m starting to wonder if just letting them all go somehow would be the best alternative. I’ve still got to exercise and lose weight because a lot of my physical troubles revolve around the fact that I’m a fatty, but I’m not sure if I can really deal with these other things and wonder if I should just dope myself up to the point that I don’t care. If I do go down that road, I know that I’ll be giving up and I’ll be extremely disappointed with myself but I’m not sure if I can continue to function like this anymore.

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