Lately I have reached a whole new level of I-don’t-care. I am so completely burned out on everything from work to my marriage that I am numb. About the only thing that gets me excited or energized is music, reading, and, sadly enough, working on my blog (spending time with my kids is also a lot of fun, when I’m not trying to rush them to get ready for school and whatnot).
Part of my problem is the fact that I tend to take everything personally. This is not a good personality flaw to have when you get verbally abused for a living. Anytime someone is upset about something, I try to help or at least listen. Sounds like a good thing, right? Well not always. There are times, especially at home, when I try to help and I only exacerbate the situation. So lately I have become distant, somewhat on purpose. I am an extremely affectionate person but that is often not reciprocated by my significant other. Now before anyone gets the wrong impression, she’s not a bad person. In fact she is a very good person and an amazing mother and student. I’m starting to wonder though if I wasn’t the right person for her. Our relationship has had a long history, with many ups and downs, and plenty of regret. I haven’t been the best boyfriend/husband in the world. For a long time I was very immature and insecure in our relationship. For one thing, she is waaaay to good looking to be with someone like me. For another thing she is the first and only person that I have ever been with, so a lot of the really immature relationship crap that people go through in junior high I was going through in my early 20s. Sexy, I know. We have been through so much and I love her dearly and more than anything I want her to be happy and have a good and productive life. I’m starting to realize though that maybe in order for her to do that I may need to be out of the equation. This of course is grossly complicated with kids in the mix.
On top of that, things at my job are hit-or-miss depending on the day. The company keeps piling more and more crap on our plates and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep a hold of it. Also they seem to want us to become more and more robotic with everything that we do. They will deny this of course and it is of no fault of the local management, they are getting the huge piles of crap stew dumped on them as well, but the fact is that they want us to blindly follow their scripts even when the scripts don’t fit the situations. Or when they monitor a call “for quality assurance” they will nit pick you to death and find some obscure script that you should have used at some point in the call and because you didn’t you failed to do your job. Oh and it turns out that even if you are meeting all of their goals (and there are a lot of them to meet) then you are not considered a good employee. You are essentially just doing what you need to do to not get fired. None of this I can control and I know that this is the kind of nonsense that you deal with in any big company. I also know that this is all that I am qualified for, on paper, and it is a very convenient place to work, location wise, so I shall put up with it. I do complain—as my boss likes to put it, even though I thought of it more as voicing concerns—a lot less than I used to and I certainly don’t do it as publicly as I used to, but that doesn’t mean that I am at all happy with the gig.
Add all of that up and you get a very overloaded and burned out Dave. In some ways being numb is a lot easier (it’s made for less conflict at home) but it sure doesn’t feel like living as much as just getting by.